It's interesting how we remember our younger selves. I recall myself being carefree, relaxed, easygoing, and patient. These are the traits that I associate with my childhood, and characteristics that people who knew me then corroborate, for the most part. I look at myself now and I have to wonder what happened. I've become a worrier.
It's the character flaw that I am puzzled and repulsed by the most in myself. It's like existential hypochondria. I look at a complex situation and immediately spin off into panicked imaginings of scenarios, each more worst-case than the last. Uncertainty - I don't take it in stride anymore; instead, I let it take hold of me. And I can't figure out where this came from. Is it because I'm facing more and more complex choices in my adult life? Is it because I was simply naive when I was young and faced the world that way, eager to be ignorant? Is it simply my nature, as I am indecisive and unfocused? Am I overly analytical? Was it the pot? Where did I lose my laid back nature and pick up the torch of worrywartdom?
I do remember specific instances of anxiety when I was young. I went through a period of time when I couldn't spend the night at friends' houses because I would have severe, red-eye panic attacks and have to call my mom to come pick me up. I remember the first one, the feeling of constriction, nearing a point of out-of-control, feeling the world and its horrible possibilities closing in on my, suddenly and stridently certain that my parents were being axe-murdered in my absence. I burst into tears and called home for the first time at 3 a.m. My mom was confused and sleepy, but sympathetic (and most importantly, alive!). I still remember pressing my forehead to the glass of the passenger window, relief seeping in with the cold. Slow breathing out of the panic.
I eventually outgrew this and began attending slumber parties again, but it seemed to have triggered something. I remember having the same feeling when I was applying to college. I desperately, compulsively waited for something to fall into my lap. The planning, the overwhelming choices and information out there, the ringing finality of "choosing a college" weighed heavily on me. I choked up every time someone suggested an Ivy League school. I chose Truman because the admissions counselor looked me in the eye and told me I would go to school for free there. And, there was a feeling as I was walking along campus. I thought of it as a premonition, but sometimes I still wonder if it really was anything - if Truman was right for me.
I think this is why things like yoga, meditation, and spirituality (and even tattooing!) appeal to me. I really believe that if I can tap into my inner self, my subconscious, I will feel more guided and secure. I think there's something there, something overarching and, if not meaningful then at least significant, something I haven't allowed myself to be submerged in yet because of this paralyzing hesitation. I have a good life, an easy life, one filled with love and support which is why I feel like this sense of panic is incongruous. I return again and again to it, almost obsessively, and each time I only feel guiltier and angrier for the weakness I demonstrate. I don't think fighting it is the answer - I think it's something to be dissolved, to work out like a knot in a muscle instead of amputating it or breaking through it. It's like I'm fighting to keep my head above water when I should just let myself slip into it. (It also frightens me that that most of the metaphors I come up with for the "solution" to the problem have to do with death!) I feel like discovering myself, discovering my connection and link to others and the world as a whole is key - it's at these times of epiphany and union that I feel most like myself, easy and free.
And here again I'm having the same feelings of stubborn anxiety as I go out into the world, loose and winging it. I'm waiting for signs. I'm breathing. I'm trying to slowly analyze and release the feelings of isolation, of insignificance, of insecurity. Zen. Ohm. Let it be. Breathe.
It sounds so childish out of my head, but I think (hope) that's part of the process. I hope I'm moving closer to the significant/confident and away from the frivolous/frightened. Progress is slow, and doesn't feel linear, but I try to have my goal in mind as often as possible.
1 comment:
To some of us, and to you in particular, I feel that the world is _indeed_, a bigger place. There is a level of "ignorance is bliss" in regards to the world, and it really applies to our perception. The more and more we are aware of everything that is going on, the more we attempt to analyze, and understand. However, complete understanding is impossible, so we will be constantly struggling to understand more. For me, the biggest step in keeping my sanity, and curiosity intact, was accepting wholly this concept. I can break stuff down and apart as much as possible, but there is no way to understand absolutely everything. Knowledge itself is fleeting. As, "intellectuals", I would encourage this behavior of analysis and probing, even though it gives us great headaches and discomfort.
Think of it like the "dimensions" aspect. We know, we can't perceive it, or fully understand it, but we know it's there. Any attempts to understand it further should be exciting and rewarding, not just an arduous task.
Somehow, the last paragraph really reminded me of religious faith. I suppose, life in general, requires faith. Not faith in God, or gods necessarily, but faith to something. For me, it's an ideal and faith towards the good in humanity. Regardless of what I discover which may suggest otherwise, I always have that solid backing holding me steady.
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